Am I Still Welcome? A Letter from a Repressed Transgirl

Am I Still Welcome? A Letter from a Repressed Transgirl

I’ve carried these feelings with me for as long as I can remember, tucked away in the quietest parts of my soul. The truth is, I’ve always known who I am—but only in the last few years have I begun to say it out loud, even if only to myself. I’m very feminine by nature, and I deeply wish I could be seen as—and treated like—a girl. Not just in passing moments or private spaces, but fully, freely, and in the open.

I dream of wearing beautiful, feminine clothes out in public. I want to show a little skin, feel confident, feel attractive. Sometimes I even fantasize about being a pin-up model—the kind whose posters hang on walls, admired and desired, celebrated for her beauty and allure. That vision of myself feels bold and joyful… and yet, also distant.

The truth is, I’ve lived so long as a man—out of habit, out of fear, out of necessity—that I don’t know if I could ever fully transition. There are layers of repression I’m still peeling back. So much of me has been shaped by silence. I sometimes wonder if my gender identity will always have to live in the shadows—only allowed to breathe in private: in the safety of my home, in the arms of supportive boyfriends, or in the warmth of trans-friendly spaces.

None of my family knows. Most of my friends don’t, either. To them, I’m just the guy they’ve always known. Some even see me as “conservative,” which makes the contrast even harder to reconcile. And because of this, I often find myself questioning…

Am I really trans—or am I just a crossdresser?

Am I allowed to claim this identity if I’ve kept it hidden for so long?

Am I still welcome in this community if I don’t transition… or if I can’t?

To any trans, nonbinary, queer, or questioning souls reading this: please know I come with an open heart. I want to learn, grow, and find connection. I want to be seen. I want to belong. Even in my quiet moments of doubt, I still believe there is a place for me somewhere—among those who understand, who feel what I feel, and who are walking their own brave paths.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me share. I hope to find friends, support, and maybe even the courage to let the girl inside me step a little further into the light.

With love and kisses,

Chrissy

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